With the Cancer War
entering a radiation mop up and nerve reconstruction stage; the Blog news will
be less frequent. Likely
you will get periodic cancer updates, news on the goings on in the lives of Nurse
Sherry, Maid of the Mist, Lady Jane, Ugly/Pretty Cat, and all the others you
have gotten to know. However more likely you will get Mr. FOG’s commentaries, his rants and raves,
and Asheville news of the weird. But
first …a birthday.
Sweet Sixteen
Nurse Sherry just had a
birthday and she still looks almost as if it could be her sweet sixteenth
birthday. In the “Meant To Be” video
shown at their wedding, Mr. FOG saw a picture of a teen-aged Nurse Sherry
golfing. She has changed little. In any event, she, his Lordship, Maid of the
Mist, Tom the Often Wise, Dan the Dragon Slayer and Tom, Earl of Coors Light
and possibly Duchess Anna are enjoying a retreat at a mountain hideaway in the
Georgian Alps. It was a nice escape from
the oppressive Atlanta heat. Duffy Clan
is celebrating not only Nurse Sherry’s birthday but also the good cancer
news. As Mr. FOG gets the paparazzi photos
of this Duffy clan mountain gathering he will share them with you.
“Active Senior” or “Old” ?
Mr. FOG rant is about
getting old which was set off by the funeral card he got in the mail. Mr. FOG does not think he is old, but it seems
like it at times, and others apparently think he is old, or getting there. If he is “old”, surely he must be one of the “active
seniors”. These “active seniors” are the
young looking old people who are featured in commercials about living the good
life in a 55 and older community or now fully enjoying the carnal pleasures
of life again by taking Cialis or Viagra, so he can be ready “when the moment is right”. Apparently women can always be ready. Look closely at the "seniors" next time these commercial come
on. FOG thinks that it could be a trick
and the people in these commercials could really be “old looking” young people, only pretending
to be older.
“Active senior” or
not, perhaps Mr. FOG has crossed the old line, or is just right there. He does want to accept aging
gracefully. When he goes to his coffee
shop in morning he sees the old men having coffee. He thinks that all but for the grace of God he could
be one of them. One old man from one of the coffee shop "men's" tables, recognizes Mr. FOG from the YMCA, and comes to say “hello”. It was a nice gesture. Fortunately, Mr. FOG was not invited to join
the “old fart” table, but that time may one day come.
Mr. FOG’s mistake may
have been attending the “Early Bird” exercise class at the YMCA. This is how he was recognized by the older gentleman in th e coffee shop. The class was full of old men and women. The women were exercising together on the
left side of the room, and the men were exercising together on the right side
of the room, suggesting that this was not a couples’ activity. Either the “early birds” are divorced or
widowed people, or if still in a partnership or coupled; only one of the pair is
an “early bird” and the other is presumably a “late bird”. Mr. FOG actually liked the “Early Bird” class
and was the star pupil, or so he thought.
What set off this
tirade is not the coffee shop or the YMCA early birds, but a card received in
the mail. Supposedly, if Mr. FOG
qualifies; 100% of his funeral expenses, up to $35,000 will be covered. Mr. FOG does not care what is covered, but why
did Mr. FOG receive this card? How and why
did someone decide that he had crossed over to “old” category and needed his funeral
expenses covered. Don’t they know that
at the very worst he is an “active senior”?
At first Mr. FOG
thought that this was another government give-away program, but apparently it
is not. It is an insurance, of sorts,
that pays for your funeral expenses. Mr.
FOG may be interested in this, but not if the $35,000 can only be spent for a platinum casket
and exotic flowers. Mr. FOG just wants
to be buried in his yard at little or no cost to his estate. Or better still, enjoy the $35,000.
 |
Mr. FOG's pine box would be similar to the one pictured but
the ambiance, drink and food would be much better, and
the mourners less solemn, almost festive. |
The only way this funeral
insurance program may work for FOG if the “funeral expenses” could be used for an
Irish wake. Mr. FOG would spend about
$1,000 for a pine box, or better still build his own while alive from his large supply of scrap lumber; perhaps another $2,000
for a nice requiem Mass, and $1,000 for a cremation, if an Asheville backyard burial
is illegal. That would leave $31,000 for
a very classy wake. Mr. FOG thinks that
Marriott hotels do things right. They
did a very job on his daughter’s wedding and perhaps could also handle his
wake. A saint Simon's Island wake might also be nice. While Mr. FOG will not be there to
enjoy it, for $31,000 his loved ones would have a very nice, upscale wake,
perhaps retelling their favorite Blog story.
Better still, FOG will have to figure out a way to get the $35,000 in
funeral expenses while still alive, so he can enjoy his own wake. It only seems fair. Following is a test if you might be getting old, and some getting old jokes.
You might be getting old if :
... all of your
favorite movies are now re-released in color.
... you complain in
cafeterias that the gelatin is too tough.
... everything hurts.
And what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
... it takes twice as
long to look half as good.
... many of your
co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
... people call at 9
PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
... your family no
longer considers you a hypochondriac.
... the clothes you
put away until they come back in style ...come back into style.
... the little
gray-haired lady you helps you across the street is your wife.
... the pharmacist has
become you newest best friend.
... things you buy now
won't wear out.
... happy hour is a
nap.
... you and your teeth
don't sleep together.
More Old Jokes
--- I feel like my
body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a
fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for
seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an
hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- Reporters
interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best
thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No
peer pressure."
--- Just before the
funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two
years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She
responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- I've sure gotten
old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than
a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- An elderly woman
decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered
over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why
Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week
"
--- Know how to
prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
---It's scary when you
start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
---Don't think of it
as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
---Don't let aging get
you down. It's too hard to get back up!
--- Remember: You
don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop
laughing.
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