YOU ARE GETTING OLD IF

With the Cancer War entering a radiation mop up and nerve reconstruction stage; the Blog news will be less frequent.  Likely you will get periodic cancer updates, news on the goings on in the lives of Nurse Sherry, Maid of the Mist, Lady Jane, Ugly/Pretty Cat, and all the others you have gotten to know.  However more likely you will get Mr. FOG’s commentaries, his rants and raves, and Asheville news of the weird.  But first …a birthday. 

Sweet Sixteen

Nurse Sherry just had a birthday and she still looks almost as if it could be her sweet sixteenth birthday.  In the “Meant To Be” video shown at their wedding, Mr. FOG saw a picture of a teen-aged Nurse Sherry golfing.  She has changed little.  In any event, she, his Lordship, Maid of the Mist, Tom the Often Wise, Dan the Dragon Slayer and Tom, Earl of Coors Light and possibly Duchess Anna are enjoying a retreat at a mountain hideaway in the Georgian Alps.  It was a nice escape from the oppressive Atlanta heat.  Duffy Clan is celebrating not only Nurse Sherry’s birthday but also the good cancer news.  As Mr. FOG gets the paparazzi photos of this Duffy clan mountain gathering he will share them with you.

“Active Senior” or “Old” ?

Mr. FOG rant is about getting old which was set off by the funeral card he got in the mail.  Mr. FOG does not think he is old, but it seems like it at times, and others apparently think he is old, or getting there.  If he is “old”, surely he must be one of the “active seniors”.  These “active seniors” are the young looking old people who are featured in commercials about living the good life in a 55 and older community or  now fully enjoying the carnal pleasures of life again by taking Cialis or Viagra, so he can be ready “when the moment is right”.  Apparently women can always be ready.  Look closely at the "seniors" next time these commercial come on.  FOG thinks that it could be a trick and the people in these commercials could really be “old looking” young people, only pretending to be older. 

“Active senior” or not, perhaps Mr. FOG has crossed the old line, or is just right there.  He does want to accept aging gracefully.  When he goes to his coffee shop in morning he sees the old men having coffee.  He thinks that all but for the grace of God he could be one of them.  One old man from one of the coffee shop "men's" tables, recognizes Mr. FOG from the YMCA, and comes to say “hello”.  It was a nice gesture.  Fortunately, Mr. FOG was not invited to join the “old fart” table, but that time may one day come.

Mr. FOG’s mistake may have been attending the “Early Bird” exercise class at the YMCA.  This is how he was recognized by the older gentleman in th e coffee shop.  The class was full of old men and women.  The women were exercising together on the left side of the room, and the men were exercising together on the right side of the room, suggesting that this was not a couples’ activity.  Either the “early birds” are divorced or widowed people, or if still in a partnership or coupled; only one of the pair is an “early bird” and the other is presumably a “late bird”.  Mr. FOG actually liked the “Early Bird” class and was the star pupil, or so he thought.

What set off this tirade is not the coffee shop or the YMCA early birds, but a card received in the mail.  Supposedly, if Mr. FOG qualifies; 100% of his funeral expenses, up to $35,000 will be covered.  Mr. FOG does not care what is covered, but why did Mr. FOG receive this card?  How and why did someone decide that he had crossed over to “old” category and needed his funeral expenses covered.  Don’t they know that at the very worst he is an “active senior”?

At first Mr. FOG thought that this was another government give-away program, but apparently it is not.  It is an insurance, of sorts, that pays for your funeral expenses.  Mr. FOG may be interested in this, but not if the $35,000 can only be spent for a platinum casket and exotic flowers.  Mr. FOG just wants to be buried in his yard at little or no cost to his estate.  Or better still, enjoy the $35,000.

Mr. FOG's pine box would be similar to the one pictured but
 the ambiance, drink and food would be much better, and
the mourners less solemn, almost festive.

The only way this funeral insurance program may work for FOG if the “funeral expenses” could be used for an Irish wake.  Mr. FOG would spend about $1,000 for a pine box, or better still build his own while alive from his large supply of scrap  lumber; perhaps  another $2,000 for a nice requiem Mass, and $1,000 for a cremation, if an Asheville backyard burial is illegal.  That would leave $31,000 for a very classy wake.  Mr. FOG thinks that Marriott hotels do things right.  They did a very job on his daughter’s wedding and perhaps could also handle his wake.  A saint Simon's Island wake might also be nice.   While Mr. FOG will not be there to enjoy it, for $31,000 his loved ones would have a very nice, upscale wake, perhaps retelling their favorite Blog story.  Better still, FOG will have to figure out a way to get the $35,000 in funeral expenses while still alive, so he can enjoy his own wake.  It only seems fair.  Following is a test if you might be getting old, and some getting old jokes.

You might be getting old if :

... all of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

... you complain in cafeterias that the gelatin is too tough.

... everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

... it takes twice as long to look half as good.

... many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

... people call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

... your family no longer considers you a hypochondriac.

... the clothes you put away until they come back in style ...come back into style.

... the little gray-haired lady you helps you across the street is your wife.

... the pharmacist has become you newest best friend.

... things you buy now won't wear out.

... happy hour is a nap.

... you and your teeth don't sleep together.

More Old Jokes

--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

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