CAT GROMMING, PERHAPS?

Mr. FOG drove to his favorite coffee shop and was about to get out of the car, but paused in his car seat.  An older couple that FOG had seen there before, had stopped at the coffee shop door, semi-blocking the entrance.  The woman was cleaning something from the man’s face.  It was not quick brushing of lint or a tiny smudge.  It was more of a spring cleaning of the man's face.  FOG thought that possibly she was cleaning sleep still in the man’s eye. 

FOG wanting to give the couple a bit of privacy while they finished their ablutions, waited in his car seat.  However, the face washing/scrubbing  continued, and Mr. FOG, not willing to give them any more time for something that should have been done at home,  got out of his car.  Suddenly, Mr. FOG paused and reflected that perhaps he, as the man, did look his best.  He glanced in his car’s windows, which darkened, made a most perfect mirror, and thought that it was very fortunate that he had looked.  Karma made the couple do their public cleaning-up in front of FOG so that he could detect his own imperfections.  God works in mysterious ways they say.

Mr. FOG discovered that he still had pillow hair on the left side of his head.  Being on the bald side, Mr. FOG needs for all of his remaining hair, now graying also,  to cooperate and work together for him to look his best.  Pillow hair would not do at all.  FOG smoothed the pillow hair down and does not remember if he used his own saliva as part of his grooming treatment.  Hopefully he did not, but likely he did.  Pillow hair is hard to tame and likely needs water, hair gel, or in an emergency as this surely was, saliva.

Without looking back at the man and woman, Mr. FOG decided that he now looked presentable enough and started his walk toward the coffee shop door.  He met the man and the woman on the sidewalk.  The man smiled at FOG, as he had a hidden secret.  He remarked with something like “he had seen Mr. FOG fixing himself up before entering the coffee shop”.  Mr. FOG was taken aback.  This was all too much like the pot calling the kettle black.  The man just had received an intense wifely public grooming.   He had not even cleaned himself up.  The wife both detected the facial faux pas and carried out the public cleaning. 

Mr. FOG replied that he had seen the man’s wife clean him up and their actions reminded him to inspect that his own appearance.  FOG further explained that he had no wife, to inspect and correct any grooming deficiencies.  The man had no rebuttal and the wife said nothing, and  laughed at the exchange. 

Mr. FOG later reflected how to avoid this unfortunate incident in the future.  Without a wife and not considering one, who can alert him about any grooming deficiencies.  Mr. FOG immediately thought that Ugly/Pretty cat, who is a most excellent groomer, could give him a once over in the mornings before he leaves the house.  Some cologne should cover any lingering kitty smell.

YOU ARE GETTING OLD IF

With the Cancer War entering a radiation mop up and nerve reconstruction stage; the Blog news will be less frequent.  Likely you will get periodic cancer updates, news on the goings on in the lives of Nurse Sherry, Maid of the Mist, Lady Jane, Ugly/Pretty Cat, and all the others you have gotten to know.  However more likely you will get Mr. FOG’s commentaries, his rants and raves, and Asheville news of the weird.  But first …a birthday. 

Sweet Sixteen

Nurse Sherry just had a birthday and she still looks almost as if it could be her sweet sixteenth birthday.  In the “Meant To Be” video shown at their wedding, Mr. FOG saw a picture of a teen-aged Nurse Sherry golfing.  She has changed little.  In any event, she, his Lordship, Maid of the Mist, Tom the Often Wise, Dan the Dragon Slayer and Tom, Earl of Coors Light and possibly Duchess Anna are enjoying a retreat at a mountain hideaway in the Georgian Alps.  It was a nice escape from the oppressive Atlanta heat.  Duffy Clan is celebrating not only Nurse Sherry’s birthday but also the good cancer news.  As Mr. FOG gets the paparazzi photos of this Duffy clan mountain gathering he will share them with you.

“Active Senior” or “Old” ?

Mr. FOG rant is about getting old which was set off by the funeral card he got in the mail.  Mr. FOG does not think he is old, but it seems like it at times, and others apparently think he is old, or getting there.  If he is “old”, surely he must be one of the “active seniors”.  These “active seniors” are the young looking old people who are featured in commercials about living the good life in a 55 and older community or  now fully enjoying the carnal pleasures of life again by taking Cialis or Viagra, so he can be ready “when the moment is right”.  Apparently women can always be ready.  Look closely at the "seniors" next time these commercial come on.  FOG thinks that it could be a trick and the people in these commercials could really be “old looking” young people, only pretending to be older. 

“Active senior” or not, perhaps Mr. FOG has crossed the old line, or is just right there.  He does want to accept aging gracefully.  When he goes to his coffee shop in morning he sees the old men having coffee.  He thinks that all but for the grace of God he could be one of them.  One old man from one of the coffee shop "men's" tables, recognizes Mr. FOG from the YMCA, and comes to say “hello”.  It was a nice gesture.  Fortunately, Mr. FOG was not invited to join the “old fart” table, but that time may one day come.

Mr. FOG’s mistake may have been attending the “Early Bird” exercise class at the YMCA.  This is how he was recognized by the older gentleman in th e coffee shop.  The class was full of old men and women.  The women were exercising together on the left side of the room, and the men were exercising together on the right side of the room, suggesting that this was not a couples’ activity.  Either the “early birds” are divorced or widowed people, or if still in a partnership or coupled; only one of the pair is an “early bird” and the other is presumably a “late bird”.  Mr. FOG actually liked the “Early Bird” class and was the star pupil, or so he thought.

What set off this tirade is not the coffee shop or the YMCA early birds, but a card received in the mail.  Supposedly, if Mr. FOG qualifies; 100% of his funeral expenses, up to $35,000 will be covered.  Mr. FOG does not care what is covered, but why did Mr. FOG receive this card?  How and why did someone decide that he had crossed over to “old” category and needed his funeral expenses covered.  Don’t they know that at the very worst he is an “active senior”?

At first Mr. FOG thought that this was another government give-away program, but apparently it is not.  It is an insurance, of sorts, that pays for your funeral expenses.  Mr. FOG may be interested in this, but not if the $35,000 can only be spent for a platinum casket and exotic flowers.  Mr. FOG just wants to be buried in his yard at little or no cost to his estate.  Or better still, enjoy the $35,000.

Mr. FOG's pine box would be similar to the one pictured but
 the ambiance, drink and food would be much better, and
the mourners less solemn, almost festive.

The only way this funeral insurance program may work for FOG if the “funeral expenses” could be used for an Irish wake.  Mr. FOG would spend about $1,000 for a pine box, or better still build his own while alive from his large supply of scrap  lumber; perhaps  another $2,000 for a nice requiem Mass, and $1,000 for a cremation, if an Asheville backyard burial is illegal.  That would leave $31,000 for a very classy wake.  Mr. FOG thinks that Marriott hotels do things right.  They did a very job on his daughter’s wedding and perhaps could also handle his wake.  A saint Simon's Island wake might also be nice.   While Mr. FOG will not be there to enjoy it, for $31,000 his loved ones would have a very nice, upscale wake, perhaps retelling their favorite Blog story.  Better still, FOG will have to figure out a way to get the $35,000 in funeral expenses while still alive, so he can enjoy his own wake.  It only seems fair.  Following is a test if you might be getting old, and some getting old jokes.

You might be getting old if :

... all of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

... you complain in cafeterias that the gelatin is too tough.

... everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

... it takes twice as long to look half as good.

... many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

... people call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

... your family no longer considers you a hypochondriac.

... the clothes you put away until they come back in style ...come back into style.

... the little gray-haired lady you helps you across the street is your wife.

... the pharmacist has become you newest best friend.

... things you buy now won't wear out.

... happy hour is a nap.

... you and your teeth don't sleep together.

More Old Jokes

--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

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VICTORY IN LEGINGRAD

With a feeling reminiscent of the end of World War II, the Cancer Nazis have been completely defeated at Legingrad.  Once again our own star reporter Sherry Lane broke the story which has been spreading like wildfire.  Unfortunately, his Lordship and Prince Phillip of the House of Rum and Coke may still do not know the good news since they are fishing and are incommunicado.

Earlier this week his Lordship went for three key tests a PET scan, MRI, and CT scan.  These tests were to probe the entire body and see what, if any, of the cancer still remained.  Earlier today, Mario’s oncologist, unable to reach Mario, called Nurse Sherry to tell her the good news.  Mario’s oncologist and his radiologist could not be happier with the results.  They scrutinized the test results and could not find any visible traces of cancer.  Still, to make sure there are no microscopic cancer Nazi cells hiding in an Argentine lymph node, localized radiation of the site of the former cancer tumor will be done in August.  More on the radiation treatment and the reconstruction of Legingrad in another Blog.

On a related note, the liver lesions detected early on and reported on this Blog are still there.  As reported earlier, they were not hyper vascular.  The thinking now is that these never were cancerous and are not a cause for concern. 

  For perhaps 24 months the citizen cells of Legingrad have suffered under the cruel dominion of the Cancer Nazis.    While the Cancer Nazis cells started as just a small settlement, they soon expanded, becoming a softball sized tumor which threatened all of Legingrad and perhaps even his Lordships’ life.  The Cancer Nazi cells took the best oxygenated blood leaving less for the other cells in Legingrad.  Many cells died in the Cancer Nazis conquest of Legingrad.  The once beautiful Tibial Causeway of Legingrad became their stronghold and was soon in disrepair.   Consequently there was pain in the entire leg and the foot lost nearly all sensitivity.  We think the tibial nerve cells survived but have been badly damaged. Reports of the carnage have been difficult to confirm at this time.

The Battle for Legingrad was not a pretty one.  While nearly all Cancer Nazis cells died, so to did untold millions of innocent civilian cells also perish, as the Supreme Allied Commander Red Devil and his allies waged eight poisonous chemotherapy campaigns against the Cancer Nazis.  As you can imagine, the citizen cells of  Legingrad are rejoicing. Blood, nerve, muscle, fat, bone, cartilage, and just about every other cell type is celebrating of being rid of the oppresive Nazi Cancer tumor.  For now the suffering is forgotten.  In Legingrad the mood is one of joy and hope as all types of cells dance, drink and celebrate the defeat of the Cancer Nazis.

Mr. FOG will probably celebrate a little tonight but is unsure if it will with Jim Beam or Johnnie Walker.  Perhaps both, if he paces himself.

His Lordship and Nurse Sherry already had planned a visit to the summer ancestral getaway in the Georgian Alps.  They will be joining Lady Jane, Duchess Bettina, and Birgit, the Queen Mother, for a weekend of relaxation to celebrate the Queen Mother's Diamond Jubilee.  The Dowager Empress Ulla, will be there in spirit only, deciding to stay in her Venetian Villa, which she now rarely leaves.  The victory in Legingrad will certainly add to the weekend festivities.

Thanks to all of you who prayed for Mario’s recovery.  People of many faiths have prayed for his well-being.  Sherry, Mario, and the Duffy and Artesiano families want to thank you for your prayers and well-wishes.  Maid of the Mist and Tom, the Often Wise will be celebrating the good news, and likely Ms. Merlot and Mr. Coors will be joining them.