MR. FOG’S CRUISE DIARY

THE EURODAM AT THE TURKS AND CAICOS

Wanting to get a tan to see him through the winter, Mr. Fog took a cruise with his aunt, the Marquesa De Quejas.  The Marquesa had been complaining, more than normal; asking when Fog was going to visit her and where he would take her.  A cruise seemed to strike the right balance of togetherness and alone time.  We just got back from the cuise.  Both Jimmy Durante's Song of Make Someone Happy and the truism "No Good Deed Goes Unpunished" are competing as to which best would characterize the trip.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxF-FeOCxlg

A Balcony or Verandah?

Fog would have liked a cruise with less octogenarians, although it is a two-edged sword.  One also runs the risk of being on a ship with a“party “ crowd or countless screaming children, then the octogenarians don’t  seem that bad.  Carnival, the “party” cruise line, was out, but Royal Caribean, NCL, and Princess were strong contenders.  Fog picked Holland America, since the Indonesian and Filipino crew, was more likely to be attentive to the Marquesa de Quejas, whose needs, if not great, are numerous to the point of being almost incessant.

Holland America, perhaps to set itself apart, charge more, or trick their patrons into thinking they are really royalty but were switched at birth; calls its balconies, verandahs.  In any event, FOG and Marquesa lucked out.  Between their complementary upgrades and by paying $200 more, they turned their interior cabin to a verandah cabin.  FOG did not enjoy the balcony as much as he would have liked.  He decided to have more alone time, leaving the cabin and the verandah to the Marquesa.  He sought his refuge elsewhere on the ship.  Still the verandah provided a bit more space and two very separate areas for the cruising duo, which helped. 

A VERANDAH SIESTA

Please beware about overpaying for a verandah on your next cruise.  While nice and a definite plus, it is not as private as you would think.  Since your have neighbors on either side, above and below you, there are balconies and people all around you.  You may be listening to early morning phlegm coughing from the husband and complaints about prices from the wife.  This elderly couple was on the adjoining right veranda.  By their accents, they are from a Southern state, possibly from Tennessee.  Conversations, slamming doors, music, partying and arguments are not uncommon.  Still, for much of the time, the Marquesa’s balcony/verandah was a peaceful private oasis for reading, enjoying a cup of coffee or a nap.

Gift Receiving Advice

The Marquesa de Quejas had a Christmas gift waiting for Mr. FOG when he arrived in Miami.  Fearing the worst and since it was not yet Christmas, FOG did not want to open the gift.  The Marquesa, very proud of her selection, insisted; saying it was very expensive, designer-made, the latest fashion and perfect for FOG to wear on the cruise.  This should have given FOG a heads up on what awaited him.  Still no one could have been fully prepared and an “Oh my God” escaped from FOG’s mouth when he opened the box. 

DISCO PIMP SHIRT

The gift is perhaps best described as a “Tropical Scottish Disco Pimp Shirt”.  It has tropical colors, appropriate for a Caribbean cruise, a plaid-like pattern, and the open collar which can be adjusted to show off the wearer’s heavy a gold eagle necklace.  By leaving three or more unbuttoned buttons, the wearer can show off his chest, if worthy of exposure.  This is the type of shirt, except for the clearance racks, you see only perhaps once or twice year in public and you do a “double take”.

Given the reasonably good matching of horizontal and diagonal lines in the tailoring, the shirt likely is probably “well-made”, as the Marquesa described.  Also, supposedly, Stacy Adams is a designer of sorts--Nurse Sherry would know.  The shirt likely was expensive at one time, but when not purchased for months or perhaps years; it was likely heavily discounted to get it off the shelves.  Since a picture is worth a thousand words, FOG will let you judge for yourself, if the assessment has been too harsh, or perhaps not harsh enough. 

In gift receiving, sometimes it is best to lie and not hurt another person’s feelings, and other times it is better to say what you think and stand your ground.  A lie would mean that FOG would have to wear the shirt on the cruise.  Telling the truth, which would likely offend the Marquesa, was FOG’s only option.  FOG said politely, but firmly, that he would not /could not wear the shirt in public.  Almost sounding like Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham: --I could not wear here, I could not wear it there.  I could not wear it anywhere. 

Fortunately the Marquesa said that FOG did not have to keep the shirt and suggested that his Lordship, who apparently in her opinion has better fashion sense than FOG, might want the shirt, since this “expensive” item could not be returned.  Of course it could not be returned.  What merchant would want this item back once it left the store?  FOG jumped at her suggestion, saying he would gladly take the shirt to his Lordship.  Perhaps he can use it while golfing in Scotland??

During this holiday season, you have to decide on your own gift receiving strategy, but let FOG’s experience be a warning.

The Marquesa and FOG —A Couple???

Several times, the cruise staff, presumably due to the same last name and that they were sharing a cabin, thought that Mr.FOG and the Marquesa de Quejas were a couple.  FOG thinks of himself as a youthful looking senior.  The Marquesa is nearly eighty, significantly overweight, rocks side to side when she walks, and has a myriad of other health issues associated with old age.  Surely FOG doesn’t look as is he could her mate???  FOG may be due for some payback on this front, since in the past he has gotten the better side of the deal has been thought to be his daughter’s husband or his sons’ brother.

Lolito and the Marquesa

That left Fog with two conclusions.  He in fact looks older than he thinks and this is why the ship’s staff thought he was the Marquesa’s prince consort.  The other option, a bit better on the ego, is that the crew obviously used to seeing this before, thought FOG to be the Marquesa’s cruise gigolo.  It was the Marquesa who paid for FOG to be on the cruise, and not the other way around.  He was her plaything and admittedly FOG did feel as the Marquesa’s plaything at times.  FOG has seen older men with younger women and thought nothing of it.  The shoe is on the other foot, and FOG is now seen as a “Lolito”. But FOG is far too old to be a Lolito; a Gentleman Host sounds better.  Perhaps he should have brought and worn the Tropical Scottish Disco Pimp Shirt and truly accepted his role on this cruise.

Well enough revealing cruise stories.  What else happens on the cruise, stays on the cruise. 

We are back at the Marquesa's Villa.   With the bags not even yet unpacked, the Marquesa de Quejas is wondering where FOG will take her on the next trip.  No good deed goes unpunished, may be winning over "make someone happy".